Issue Ten
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
January 2017

>Take One<

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended in 2016. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

>Take Two<

Quizzical Quotes:

“If it weren’t for New Year’s, I’d have no regrets,” sighs William Thomas.

“I will not chase the stick unless I actually see it leave his hand,” thinks the dog.

“Every new year is the direct descendant of a long line of proven criminals,” opines Ogden Nash.

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account,” quips Oscar Wilde

“I resolve to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this doesn’t encourage them to take up more of my time,” says I.

“Make your New Year’s resolutions today. Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual,” drawls Mark Twain.

>Take Three<

The Senator of Kentucky explained his attitude toward whiskey.

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.

“But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.

“This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

>Take Four<

My New Year’s Resolutions:

Read less.

Procrastinate more.

Start being superstitious.

Stop watching movie remakes.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Stop bringing lunch from home. I should eat out more.

Increase my TV viewing. I’ve been missing some really good stuff.

I will no longer waste my time reliving the past. Instead I will worry about the future.

>Take Five<

Gone with the Tide.

“Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.”

>Take Six<

The patient says, “Doctor, I think I’m a bell.”

The doctor says, “Take these pills three times a day. If that doesn’t work, give me a ring.”

The nurse says, “Doctor, there’s a man here who thinks he’s invisible.”

The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

>Take Seven<

“Be Yourself” is about the worst possible advice you can give to some people.



Candy Cat.

The Easter Bunny decides that Santa won’t miss just one.

Creamy butterscotch discovered in the Sahara desert.

Meanwhile in Canada.

The Antichrist reveals itself.

Yankee Ingenuity.

Homemade Pi.

Jurassic Oolong.

“Oh... you shouldn’t have... really!”

He who laughs last.


“I got a selfie stick for Christmas.”

Frank might have had a few too many on New Year’s Eve.

“Why?” I ask. “Why not?” he replies.

A welcome addition to any office cubicle.

Battleship Island.

The fifth sign of the Apocalypse.

Marilyn Manson’s dad embarrasses his son.

Sleep tight.

Happy New Year.

An icy reception is expected on Inauguration Day.


Bull’s Eye.

Testing... 1, 2, 3...




Last Step is a Doozy.

Timing is Everything.

Eye on the Ball.

Guard Rail.

Rocket Launch.

Sit a Spell.

“You’re on Fire” by They Might Be Giants.
“Millennials” by a quartet of Micah Tylers.
“Word Crimes” by Weird Al Yankovic.

With The Fool and his Money completed, I’m penning my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Last night, the Mayor dropped the ball in Times Square. Congress vows to drop the ball everyday.

With you-know-who in the White House:

“I can picture a world without war, a world without hate.

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

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