Issue Twelve
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
March 2017
 

>Take One<

If you took all the blood vessels from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

>Take Two<

Headlines:

Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder.

Cow Injures Farmer With Axe.

Cold Wave Linked to Low Temperatures.

Enfield Couple Slain. Police Suspect Homicide.

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find.

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter.

>Take Three<

The Three Stooges follow some tracks into the woods.

Curly says, “These are bear tracks.”

Larry says, “Naw, they’re deer tracks.”

Moe says, “You knuckleheads. They’re rabbit tracks.”

Then the train hits them.

>Take Four<

Employer: “For this job, we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “Then I’m your man. At my last job, when anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

>Take Five<

Steven Wright questions everything.

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“If you were driving at the speed of light and turn your headlights on, would they do anything?”

“Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody’s makin’ a penny.”

>Take Six<

Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce the prose of Shakespeare.

Researchers at Plymouth University reported this week that primates left alone with a computer for a month attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word.

“At first, the lead male got a stone and started bashing the keyboard. Then they took turns urinating and defecating on it.”

Eventually, the monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe, and Rowan produced five pages of text.

“They pressed a lot of Ss,” said researcher Mike Phillips. “And then the letters A, J, L, and M crept in.”

The researchers concluded that the experiment proved, “Monkeys are not true random generators.”

>Take Seven<

Do you ever go out, and while you’re out, you think, “This is exactly why I don’t go out?”

>Cut<

>Print<

“Of course you realize, this means war.”


What goes around comes around.


Surrender, Dorothy.


The symbolism boggles the imagination.


Advertising money well spent.


“That’s not a water hole, Dumbo.”


Banksy’s latest installation.


Paul Bunyan’s assistant fetches a snack for Babe the blue ox.


Creative Parenting.


Problem Solved.

The Quack at 20,000 Feet.


“Where’s Mum?”


The Guiding Light.


The Ice Scraper Challenge.


The Hitching Magpie.


Dairy farmers know how to protest.


The curse of the mummy claims another victim.


The pause that refreshes.


The prey approaches.


2017 — no sweat.

Soft Landing.

Barrel of Pandas.

Drop Ramen.

Rex to the Rescue.

Pogo Swap.

Wet Landing.

Flexible.

Supper Time.

Look before you Leap.

Canine Harpy.

Watch it. He’s got a knife.

“If You Change Your Mind” by ABBA.
Melissa McCarthy on SNL.
The Cat Came Back.

With The Fool and his Money wrapped, I’m scribing my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Yawning is an honest opinion openly expressed.

Black holes are formed when God divides by zero.

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac, and when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

And I created a new treasure hunt for the book Astana: Architecture, Myth & Destiny.

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