Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

If you took all the blood vessels from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

>Take Two<


Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder.

Cow Injures Farmer With Axe.

Cold Wave Linked to Low Temperatures.

Enfield Couple Slain. Police Suspect Homicide.

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find.

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter.

>Take Three<

The Three Stooges follow some tracks into the woods.

Curly says, “These are bear tracks.”

Larry says, “Naw, they’re deer tracks.”

Moe says, “You knuckleheads. They’re rabbit tracks.”

Then the train hits them.

>Take Four<

Employer: “For this job, we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “Then I’m your man. At my last job, when anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

>Take Five<

Steven Wright questions everything.

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“If you were driving at the speed of light and turn your headlights on, would they do anything?”

“Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody’s makin’ a penny.”

>Take Six<

Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce the prose of Shakespeare.

Researchers at Plymouth University reported this week that primates left alone with a computer for a month attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word.

“At first, the lead male got a stone and started bashing the keyboard. Then they took turns urinating and defecating on it.”

Eventually, the monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe, and Rowan produced five pages of text.

“They pressed a lot of Ss,” said researcher Mike Phillips. “And then the letters A, J, L, and M crept in.”

The researchers concluded that the experiment proved, “Monkeys are not true random generators.”

>Take Seven<

Do you ever go out, and while you’re out, you think, “This is exactly why I don’t go out?”